Here I am after my first time back to the Crossfit Gym in 4-5 months. It is my dads birthday and his only wish was that we workout as a family this morning. There I was, not feeling good about it. I couldn’t figure out why I was so fearful, so dreading to pick up a barbell… I love to move my body, I love to challenge it, so why didn’t I want to move it in a crossfit way? I know my family picked up on my hesitation.
Fast forward to the end of workout, I am the VERY LAST ONE still trying to accomplish the 12 days of Christmas WOD. There I was, there I was as emotion started to come to the top. What did I feel? Shame, embarrassment, wishing I was somewhere else. BUT this time, instead of running from these emotions. I paused… “No Austeen, do not fight these emotions”, I allowed myself to feel them, to sit with these uncomfortable feelings. I could feel my body tense and my chest tighten. It was a time where I didn’t feel strong, I didn’t feel courage or motivation, and instead of letting negative self-talk come crashing through my head, I just allowed myself a moment to feel these things. I softened. It was the first time I sat in that place. Pause, Pause, Pause. AND then the most amazing thing happened. I moved ON. I released those feelings, they moved through me and I was able to allow in love for myself and for the people around me, encouraging me. I let in the okayness (I know it’s not a word but what the hell) of the situation. IT WAS OKAY that I was the very last one, that I was the slowest, the last. It was truly okay and I really felt that way. It was OKAY.
I haven’t been honest with myself about going back to the gym. I didn’t want to have to deal with those emotions. I knew I would feel them because I have let my cardio go these past months. I knew that Crossfit would bring those feelings up and that is not a bad thing! I just wasn’t ready to face them. I hope this encourages anyone who is afraid to go back to something or try something new because they know as well that these emotions will come up. If they do come up, please please please, pause, FEEL THEM and keep feeling them until they pass. They will pass. They will pass. After that moment, invite love into your heart, love for yourself, for your body and gratitude for sitting with those hard to feel emotions. I know these emotions will come again and this situation will arise once more, but know that I have ventured through it a healthy way… I will be less likely to steer away.
Have a very Merry Christmas.